


Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

by it_was_like_slow_motion



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Mattex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-15
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-29 11:23:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 20,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/it_was_like_slow_motion/pseuds/it_was_like_slow_motion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wakes up in a hospital bed and he cannot remember anything. She is by him, offering a shy smile and the answers that he so desperately needs. </p><p>Mattex AU where Matt gets severely concussed and Alex has to fill in all of his memories.</p><p>*THIS IS BEING PUT ON HIATUS FOR THE TIME BEING. I WILL ATTEMPT TO RESUME AT A LATER DATE*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Hospital Bed and a Thousand Questions

When he woke up, his head hurt.  
  
"Hello, Sleeping Beauty." A warm chuckle filled the air and he sat up, swaying for a moment as his head began to swim. A soft hand appeared on his arm, steadying him. "You might want to take things slow. You hit your head pretty hard - conked out for two days." He finally looked up at the source of the voice, and found brilliant green eyes staring back at him. There was an emotion stirring in them that he couldn't really recognize - relief, maybe?  
  
"Who are you?" He blurted out. "Who am I?" He added as an afterthought. He furrowed his eyebrows, searching for anything in his surprisingly empty head. It was nice, he decided, and awfully quiet. He wondered if that meant that his head had been too full earlier, too busy to really appreciate each though that cross his mind.  
  
"My name's Alexandra Kingston, but you call me Alex. You're Matthew Smith, but I call you Matt." The voice of the woman sitting next to him jerked him from his philosophical pondering. He blinked once at her, acknowledging her answer without offering an opinion either way. For all he knew, she could be lying to him, but that really didn’t seem likely.  
  
"Are you my girlfriend?" He asked, chewing his lip in consideration. He certainly wouldn't mind being her boyfriend. She had, after all, sat in a hospital with him for what he assumed was the entirety of two days. That level of devotion didn't happen often. That was on a purely emotional level. On a physical level, he was sure that _anybody_ would be thrilled to have her, with her golden curls and kind green eyes.  
  
"No, dear." Her laugh seemed forced, and her cheeks were blooming with bright red spots. Was his question really worth blushing over? "We're just friends.” She elaborated. “Your fiancée is going to be here in a week or so. Think of me as an interim companion."  
  
"I have a fiancée?" He repeated dumbly. He struck all of his thoughts about how amazing this woman would be as a partner from his head. If he had promised himself to someone else, she must’ve been a hell of a woman. Or a man. Was he gay?  
  
"Mm hmm." Alex hummed. "Her name is Daisy. You're getting married in October."

Not gay then. He hoped his disappointment didn’t show on his face. Sometimes, women got complicated. Wait – how the hell did he know women were complicated? His own lack of memory was making his already pulsing head throb harder, and he reached one hand up absently to massage his temples. He noticed then that there were wires strung up and down his wrist, and a needle inserted into his arm. He must have been in a sorry state, he thought as he inspected the various bags of IV fluid that were hanging by his bed.  
  
"And what month is it now?" He inquired, wondering how long he would get to re-learn his fiancée before being forced to watch her walk down the aisle. He reprimanded himself at his own cynicism – who was to say that he would be forced into anything, especially getting married?  
  
"Oh, geez, do you remember anything?" Alex furrowed her eyebrows in concern.  
  
"Um...no, not really." He moved his hand to his forehead, rubbing in long strokes across it as he pondered the shadows of memories that kept eluding him. As soon as he grabbed for one, it was gone, replaced by another equally elusive thought.  
  
"It's March. March eleventh." She answered his previous question, and flicked her eyes over to him, seeing if it sparked any recognition. He felt awful, the way she looked as if he should remember the day, but it wasn’t ringing any bells.  
  
"Should I be recognizing this date?" He asked, hoping he would get an honest answer.  
  
"Hmm? Oh, no!" She laughed. Well, his hopes of getting an honest answer were certainly dashed. She was getting much too giggly about something that was supposedly unimportant.  
  
"You looked as if I should remember today." He accused, folding his arms across his chest.  
  
"Nope!" Alex's voice was a half octave higher, and Matt huffed.  
  
"Tell me!" He pressed, trying out a puppy dog pout.  
  
"It's nothing you need to worry about!" She insisted, voice climbing another half octave. He’d have to remember that the puppy dog pout didn’t work on her.  
  
"Alex." He begged. He peered at her with wide eyes (what color were his eyes? He’d have to ask her), hoping that would at least persuade her slightly.  
  
"It's my birthday." She sighed, voice back to its normal pitch. His stomach dropped. He didn’t like to forget birthdays. She had waited by his bed for two days, she had wasted part of her birthday on him, and he hadn’t even remembered that it _was_ her birthday?  
  
"Oh. What is it then, the big three-oh?" Matt teased. Alex gave a strained chuckle in reply, and they were back on the awkward shaky ground that they had been on a few seconds ago.  
  
"Oh, how I wish." She shook head, sending her golden curls flying. "Forty five, darling." She added under his inquisitive gaze, though she seemed reluctant to divulge the information.  
  
"That begs the question - how old am I?" He looked at his hands as if that would help him at all. No wrinkles, that was good, and he felt pretty good, with the exception of the pounding feeling in his head that was only intensifying.  
  
"Thirty one." Alex replied promptly. Thirty one was a good age, he supposed. He had already made most of his stupid mistakes in life, though he also supposed if he didn’t remember any of those mistakes he was going to have to make them all over again.  
  
"And Daisy?" He asked. For some reason his mind was flashing with four words. _Speaking of stupid mistakes…_ Damn, was his subconscious trying to tell him something? He’d have to make a note of it, he decided. Figure out why the few things he could feel were loathing for the supposed love of his life and confusion.  
  
"Twenty five." Alex breathed. He wondered why she was being so secretive about it, but decided against pushing it.  
  
"Six years between her and me, then?" Alex nodded. Six years seemed like an impossibly long amount of time. "And fourteen between me and you?" Fourteen years didn’t seem like that big of a gap, yet six did? The whole thing was making his head spin, even as she nodded again. "What about the rest of my friends?"  
  
"Karen Gillan, you call her Kaz, she's a crazy red headed Scot. She's twenty six." Alex ran a hand through her hair, thinking. "Arthur Darvill, he's a singing, smoking monkey. He's thirty one like you." He had strange friends, then. The thought made him happy. Not only did he have friends, but they were crazy and monkeys. He could get used to that.  
  
"This is making my head hurt." He sighed as the pain once again stabbed through his skull.  
  
"Then go back to bed." Alex suggested softly.  
  
"Alright." He said, lying back down against his pillow. The corners of her lips tugged up in a small smile, showing just her two front teeth. He was caught between wanting to see the rest of his smile – _he was bloody taken, why was he thinking those thoughts? –_ and letting himself go in the cool comfort of his pillow.  
  
"See you later, Matt." Alex said, which effectively made the decision for him. He smiled at her and nodded subtly before dropping off, almost instantly, into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh geez. I hope this was at least semi interesting because I've been going back and forth as to whether or not to post it or continue it past this first chapter. Any reviews you have are much encouraged and appreciated! :)


	2. Sweet Pea Perfume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry, but why does our wedding need to stay away from the press? What are you famous for?” She seemed so genuinely offended at his question that he was tempted to brush it off and then ask Alex later. After a half a moment of shock, though, Daisy burst into peals of high-pitched laughter.

Bright lights.

Did they really have to have the lights _that_ bright?

He sighed and grunted, rolling over onto his stomach so that the harsh lights weren’t on his face any more and shutting his eyes again.

“Is he up?” An unfamiliar voice broke through his consciousness, and it was soon joined by a familiar, and definitely less shrill one.

“He’s awake, but it will take him a bit to come to his senses. He’s been on and off like this for the past couple days. He’ll wake up for an hour, go back to bed for another twenty or so, and wake up again.” Alex’s voice was soft in volume but firm in tone as she explained. “Just try not to be too loud. He’s very sensitive to light and sound at the moment.”

“I’ll be able to tell when to back off, thanks.” The unfamiliar voice snapped. Matt winced, and rolled back onto his back, slowly opening his eyes again.

“Oh, and Daisy – he doesn’t really know who you are.” Alex added as he slowly began propping himself up on his elbows.

“Bollocks. You remember me, don’t you sweetheart?” The hundred watt smile she gave him was slowly burning out his eye sockets, he was sure of it. When she leaned over to kiss his cheek, he coughed at her much too strong perfume, attempting to muffle it but failing miserably as he continued hacking up his lungs.

When he straightened, having doubled over during his coughing fit, his eyes were watering and a glass of water was being pressed into his hand, by whom he wasn’t sure. He took a long swig from it before swallowing back the roughness one more time. He turned slightly in his bed to face the foreign woman sitting beside it. She was pretty enough, he supposed. He didn’t like the way she had treated Alex, though, or the assumptions she made about him remembering her, because honestly, he didn’t.

“Sorry, but who are you?” He tried to keep his tone politely neutral. “And what day is it?”

“I’m Daisy.” She sighed as if that should have been obvious, flipping her sheet of black hair over her shoulder in a very prima donna-esque manner. “And it’s the eighteenth of March.”

“Damn. I’ve missed a lot.” He said, more to himself than anyone else.

“You’ve been up in hour long stretches since last week.” Alex supplied. He didn’t realize that she was still sitting in the corner, legs folded as she curled into the hospital chair. “I suppose you don’t remember those, though. You’ve been on a bloody ton of medication.”

“I remember the eleventh.” Matt blurted out, as if that would help his current situation. Alex gave him a small smile, but Daisy made a displeased sound.

“What was the eleventh?” She demanded.

“I woke up.” Matt shrugged. She didn’t seem to be taking that as an answer, because she rolled her eyes and nudged his shoulder, raising her eyebrows at him. “What?” He whined, covering his eyes with his hands in a poor imitation of a guilty child.

“Nothing.” She relented, glancing over at Alex, who stood up abruptly, dropping the book she was presumably reading on the chair with a murmured excuse that Matt didn’t quite catch.

“So. We’re getting married in October?” Matt furrowed his eyebrows, hoping that was the correct month. Daisy nodded enthusiastically.

“The wedding’s going to be great – I don’t suppose you remember where we’re going to have it, do you?” When he shook his head, she continued on with her train of thought. “Well it’s this lovely little villa a couple hundred miles north of here – have to stay away from the press, yeah? – and since it’s so small we can’t really invite that many people. You didn’t really like that, you have so many friends and you felt bad you couldn’t invite them all, but the villa was just so quaint and it had such a nice seaside view and I love the ocean…” After that her voice faded into static in the back of his head.

Daisy was just the sort that you had to get used to before you really enjoyed spending time with them, he assured himself. He tried his best to continue grinning and nodding as Daisy’s tangent became more and more exhaustive. He really didn’t want to cut her off, but after what must’ve been at least three minutes of endless babble, he had enough.

“I’m sorry, but why does our wedding need to stay away from the press? What are you famous for?” She seemed so genuinely offended at his question that he was tempted to brush it off and then ask Alex later. After a half a moment of shock, though, Daisy burst into peals of high-pitched laughter.

“That’s a really great joke, Matt!” She guffawed. He looked at her with a blank stare, and she was able to calm herself down enough to see his empty face. “Oh my god. You must have _really_ clocked yourself.” He nodded in agreement, making a small motion with his hand to prompt Daisy to answer his question. “I’m not the famous one. You are.”

Well, there was a plot twist if he had ever heard one. He cleared his throat once, twice, and a third time, before falling silent again. _He was famous_? What the hell was he good at, other than falling and hitting his head so hard he couldn’t even remember the date?

Daisy began talking again before the fact had even fully sunk in. “Listen, Matt, I’m really sorry, but I’ve got to run! My hotel check in time is between three and four, otherwise I’ll lose the room, and it’s half gone three already! I’ll be back after I’ve checked in and unpacked and such.” She bent down and kissed his cheek. Her lips were soft, at least, he thought as she smiled at him. “See you later, love.”

With another flip of her hair that sent a second gust of sweet pea perfume into his nose, Daisy left the room.

Almost as if she had been waiting, Alex appeared a couple moments later, sitting down on the chair in her previous cross legged position and picking up her book as if nothing had happened.

“So she’s the one I’m getting married to in seven months?” Matt asked. Alex nodded and flipped to the next page in her book idly, as if the conversation didn’t interest her at all. The way she stared, though, instead of letting her eyes flick across the page, betrayed her feelings.

“How do you think the wedding’s going to be?” He tried again. There was a subtle movement as Alex’s fingers tightened on the book.

“I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t invited.” Her voice was strained, and he winced.

“I’m sorry? I don’t recall drawing up a guest list.” He replied sheepishly.

“You don’t recall much.” She shot back, offering him a wry smile to show she was almost entirely kidding.

“Not my fault.” He harrumphed grumpily.

“I know, darling. Once you can start actually staying awake we’ll work on it.” He smiled at that, the way Alex inserted herself so effortlessly without being pushy.

“Speaking of staying awake, I do believe I’ll be nodding off again…” He yawned, and she gave him a small amused smile.

“If I’m not here when you wake up, Daisy will be.” She told him as he lay back against his pillows. He nodded to show he had heard before letting out one more yawn.

The one good thing about having a head injury was that falling asleep was a breeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so very much for your kind words! It meant a lot, especially considering a few of those who commented were authors whom I adore, and the rest were very sweet people who took time out of their day to talk to me. As you can probably tell, I've decided to take a stab at this, and hopefully what I have in my head isn't too horrible. :)


	3. Hello, I'm The Doctor

He wished that his memories would just come back. It was something that he had thought both of the other times he had woken up, but he hadn’t really paid attention to that wish in light of all the other things he had to learn, or relearn, as the case might be. It had been decided when he had woken up (only eight hours after Daisy had visited – a normal amount of sleep) that he needed to start relearning his world as soon as possible, so that he could “reintegrate into society”.

He really wished his memories would come back when Alex showed him a flashcard and asked him what color was on it _and he couldn’t bloody remember_. He was a thirty one year old man who didn’t know his colors. He was a bloody embarrassment, and his cheeks flushed as he stuttered.

“Green.” Alex said gently, flipping to the next flashcard, which gave him no more of a reprieve.

“I don’t know.” He sighed, not even pretending any more. It was frustrating, the way the names danced on the edges of his mind. If they were moving just a tad bit slower, he would be able to grab onto them, but in his current still slightly drugged state he couldn’t catch the names.

“Orange.” Alex said clearly. He gave a short nod to show that he understood. She flipped the next card, and he shook his head dejectedly.

“Red.” She murmured, flipping to the next card and opening her mouth to announce it.

“Wait!” He tried not to yell, but she still flinched at his volume. “Blue. It’s blue.”

The look of delight on her face made his heart skip a beat, and he beamed back at her as she smiled.

“That’s good! Really good!” She enthused, and he couldn’t help but feel proud of his own achievement.

The happiness soon faded as more colors assaulted his eyes. Yellow, purple, turquoise, black, brown, white – too many words that he should have known already.

“This is stupid. I know words – look, I’m talking using them right now – but I can’t…vocabulary is in my mouth but not in my head.” He complained. Alex nodded at him sympathetically.

“I know that you don’t like it, but it’s either this or having you listen to a tape all day while you look at a computer screen.” Her voice was comforting but still firm in its verdict. He was going to have to do this whether he liked it or not. “Do you want to go through the colors again or do people?” She asked.

“I don’t know. Can we do colors again, but using objects or something? I dunno.” He repeated, massaging his temples. “It’s hard to just see a color on a blank card, and not see it in perspective with everything else.”

“Alright.” Alex replied amicably. “I’m going to go get some things. Instead of moping, maybe you should think about how great it is that you’re not color blind.” He stuck his tongue out at her as she left, and she chuckled before letting her own tongue poke between her lips for just a half a second before shutting the door behind her.

It was much too soon when it blew open again, revealing a person that was most definitely not Alex. Unless Alex was now male? Matt pasted on a smile as the man sat by his bed and began talking, words coming out of his mouth like a babbling brook. Matt gave up on the smile about a half minute after the other man began talking, the other’s voice tapering off at the vacant expression on Matt’s face.

“I don’t know who you are.” Matt stated bluntly at the end of the long string of words. He hated the amount of times today he had said ‘I don’t know’.

“Damn, I’m sorry, I forgot, you hurt your head, didn’t you? I’m David. Tennant.” As if that helped him at all. Maybe he should’ve asked Alex to review people before people actually started showing up. When _were_ people going to show up? Apparently he was famous, so did that mean he had _fans_? The whole thought was unnerving, really. He was just plain old Matt.

“Names aren’t much of a help, mate.” Matt echoed his previous thought, and David winced. Right at the awkward lull in the conversation, Alex came through the door, arms laden with what looked like children’s toys.

“Kingston!” David said happily, leaping up from his seat to give Alex a hug and a kiss on her cheek (though, Matt noted, it was more on the corner of her mouth).

“Hullo, David.” Alex smiled at him as she deposited her findings on the plastic chair she normally occupied. “Sorry I didn’t catch you on the way in – I would’ve told you he has no idea what the hell you’re talking about.”

Matt gave a displeased grunt from his bed, but when Alex raised her eyebrows at him he had to admit that it was true.

“Matt, this is David Tennant.” Alex said as a form of introduction.

“So I’ve heard.” Matt replied. “Not to be rude, but who are you and why do you matter to me?”

“Someone needs more pain meds.” Alex mumbled under her breath. David laughed but Matt just grunted again, glaring at her.

“The character you play on a TV show, the Doctor, he has thirteen lives. You played him during his eleventh life, but I played him during the tenth.” David explained patiently. Matt felt his annoyance ease just a little, though he still resented the joke Alex had made at his expense. “We met doing a special and hit it off pretty well. I’m not really sure why I matter, other than everyone needs some mates, y’know?”

Matt honestly couldn’t find himself to be angry at David after his kind words and simple, but perfect, answer to his snappish question. He nodded once, and then extended his right hand. “Nice to meet you. Again.” He gave David a crooked half-smile, and the other man smiled back.

“So why are there colorful cubes entering your room?” David inquired, turning his attention half-back to Alex.

“I forgot my colors.” Matt sighed. He was past being sheepish about it. He forgot his fucking colors and he was going to have to deal with it.

“What color’s this?” David asked, striding across the room to pick up one of the cubes before tossing it to Matt.

“Blue. I know blue.” Matt chucked the cube back, and noted that he was left handed. He would have to remember that, if he didn’t know how to write. God, he hoped he knew how to write. That would be the coup de grace in his already difficult battle against the world he had once lived in.

“This one?” David threw the cube and Matt studied it.

“Uh…red?” He guessed.

“Nope. This one’s red.” David flung another cube at Matt, and he caught it, studying the color before looking back at the cube in his hand.

“This one’s orange, then?” He confirmed. David nodded at him, smiling, and Matt recalled the luminous grin Alex had given him before. Her face was set in a straight line, and he briefly wondered why before he lobbed both the red and the orange cube back at David.

It continued like that, with the two of them exchanging cubes (there were a few times when Matt had “accidentally” hit David in the head, though he refused to apologize for them), until Matt was relatively sure that he had a basic grasp on colors, or at least the dozen or so they had studied. He realized by the end why he liked David. The Scottish brogue that clung to his tongue was comforting, and he joked easily, laughing without reserve, even when he was being hit in the head by plastic cubes.

“Give me some cubes.” Matt ordered. David tossed him three cubes – black, gray, and green, Matt noted – and he began arranging them in his hands. “Let’s see if I can juggle, why don’t we?” He said impishly.

“You can’t.” Alex interjected from her chair. “The last time you tried you had to get stitches. Look at your right palm.”

“Spoil sport.” Matt muttered as he checked his right palm, where there was, indeed, a scar.

“You were the one who decided to juggle with silver forks, not me.” Alex shot back.

“Well obviously I had a lapse in judgment.” Matt sniffed.

“You have those a lot.” Alex teased. There was something in her tone that implied she was not being one hundred percent light-hearted with the comment. He pushed the thought away, determined to stay happy.

“I think I have good taste in friends.” Matt jabbed lightly.

“Seconded!” David added.

“Whatever you say.” Alex rolled her eyes. She stood up and began to collect the cubes. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to go give the pediatric ward their toys back. I’ll be right back!”

She swept out of the room, and Matt turned to David. “What should I know about Alex that she won’t ever tell me herself?” He rushed out.

“There a hundred million things Alex will never tell you, but I’ll give you a few. She has two ex-husbands, Ralph Fiennes and Florian Haertel. She has a daughter with Florian, Salome. Salome means the world to her because she had fertility troubles, and thought she’d never be able to have kids. She is immensely insecure about pretty much everything she does, even though she pretends to be confident.” David hesitated as if he was thinking of adding something, but his pause turned into silence, and Matt assumed the list was over.

“I feel like a bloody awful person for giving up all of her personal business like that.” David admitted, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Sorry – I shouldn’t have asked. It’s just that it appears she’s going to be my primary caretaker for a while, and I don’t want to say anything stupid that might offend her.” Matt cast his eyes downwards, avoiding David’s gaze.

“Everything you say is stupid, mate.” David joked.

Matt snickered and reached over to smack his friend on the arm just as Alex walked back into the room.

“Don’t be abusing poor David!” Alex simpered, pulling David away from Matt to take his seat.

“I can abuse you instead?” Matt teased, winking suggestively.

“Save the spanking for Daisy.” Alex wiggled her eyebrows, but there was less of a laugh in her voice.

“Goodness, woman, we’re not even married yet!” Matt reached out and punched Alex lightly on the shoulder.

“And that’s stopping you?” Alex shot back.

Matt flushed. “I dunno. Celibacy before marriage, is that something I do?”

Both Alex and David flushed at that question. Alex raised her hands, palms out, in a form of surrender. “Not like I would know.”

“We’re friends, but you never told me about any sexual escapades.” David added.

“There’s a question for Daisy, then.” Matt mumbled to himself.

There was a half beat of silence before the room dissolved into laughter, diffusing the nervous tension that had climbed quite rapidly through the short conversation.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, David announced that he had to leave to get back to his wife, and Alex departed to go get dinner.

“None for you.” She warned as she prepared to pop over to a Chinese restaurant across the street. “Last time we got you food you puked it up rather violently for the next three hours.”

Matt’s nose wrinkled. “I didn’t need that description, Kingston. Would’ve done me good _not_ to remember that.”

“Too late now!” Alex chirped, throwing on a jacket and tucking her curls under a cap. “See you in a bit, yeah?”

He nodded, but his fatigue must’ve gotten the better of him, because he never recalled her returning, and when he woke again, it was morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this didn't get posted yesterday! I was taking the PSAT. If you're not American or don't otherwise know what that means, basically I sat in a room for three hours taking a test. Thank you so much for your support - your comments and kudos never fail to brighten my day - and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	4. Fire With Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tell me about you, instead.” Matt suggested.
> 
> “I’m boring.” She replied.
> 
> “Bet you’re not.” He accused.
> 
> “I am!” She insisted.

The morning was not nearly as enjoyable as the day previous, and he suspected it had something to do with the appearance of his fiancée almost the moment after he had woken up.

Alex excused herself politely, citing breakfast as the cause, even though Matt had seen a crumpled wrapper of some sort of breakfast food clenched in her hand as she left. He knew that asking her to stay would’ve been rude to Daisy and also extremely awkward, but he did consider it for about a half a moment. Only a half of one, though, because the other half he was being assaulted, once again, by the smell of sweet perfume and very briefly the taste of cherry chapstick against his lips. He didn’t even register that the taste of chapstick had come from Daisy’s lips until she had pulled away and began talking.

“I heard that you had a fun night last night.” She arched her eyebrows, and her humor was so dry that he chuckled a little bit at her.

“I mean, I got to spend the time with a stunningly handsome man, so I’m not complaining.” He poked Daisy lightly in the side, and was surprised when she didn’t deflect it, despite his less than clean hands. Maybe Daisy wasn’t so bad anyways.

“Going to go gay for Tennant?” She quipped.

“Well, I mean, we still have seven months until we get married, and I’m sure he can be divorced by then…” Matt wrinkled his nose as Daisy laughed her high-pitched giggle. Maybe that was why he didn’t joke with her as much.

“Speaking of the wedding, someone – damn, I forget who – mentioned maybe postponing it so that we could, uh, get to know each other again. I wanted to see what you thought of that.” He raised his eyebrows. Yes, he would like that, but he wasn’t sure whether she was just asking him to be amicable or if she had already decided.

“What do you think?” He hazarded the question.

“I, personally, would prefer to get married as soon as possible – when we got engaged we were going to get married in April, but we had to postpone because you were filming.” She gave him a sideways glance, and he had to think that there was probably an argument surrounding the postponement of their wedding from April to October. Six months was a big difference.

“Well, would another two months hurt?” He asked, chewing his lip. He didn’t want to say something wrong and get her started on another rant. They were insufferable enough without adding in the fact that he had the beginnings of another one of his idiotic headaches.

“I suppose not.” Daisy sighed.

“When I’m out of the hospital I can help you plan everything.” He promised, forcing a smile.

“Okay.” She bent down and kissed his temple, and his smile became a little less forced. “I’ve been told I can only spend a little time in here because you’re going to be learning your farm animals today.” She smirked. “Have fun with that.”

“Thanks.” He sighed overdramatically, and she giggled again.

“See you later.” She smiled.

“Bye.” He said to her back before slumping back on his pillow.

He seriously doubted that Alex’s reappearance was purely by happenstances, because it exactly coincided with the thirty first tick of the clock that was across the room from him and making soft clicking noises every second.

“What did Daisy want to ask you about?” Alex asked nonchalantly as she sat back down in her chair.

“Apparently someone suggested we postpone the wedding so that I actually know her before we get married. Imagine that.” He rolled his eyes, and Alex laughed. He found himself enjoying listening to Alex’s throaty chuckle a lot more than he enjoyed Daisy’s high pitched giggle.

“Well today, Mister Smith, we will be learning about some important people and also farm animals, so that come December you’ll be able to recognize your guests _and_ be able to differentiate between a horse and a cow.” Alex announced.

“I never said that we were going to move the wedding to December.” Matt said abruptly, furrowing his eyebrows.

Alex blushed. “Lucky guess?” She murmured sheepishly.

“No, it’s fine, really, just…why?” He inquired.

“Matt, you were dating Daisy for three years before you decided to propose to her. If you weren’t already engaged to her, you’d probably wait another three years before agreeing to marry her again. I didn’t think it was very fair to you to have to honor a commitment you can’t remember making without knowing the person you’re going to be giving yourself to first.” At least she was honest with him. In a world where he didn’t know anything, he needed honesty.

“Oh!” She exclaimed suddenly, reaching into her bag. “This is your phone and your iPod. I thought they might be useful if you wanted to figure out who you were when I’m not here.”

“Well you’re here most of the time, now aren’t you?” He teased. He saw her muscles lock up, and he frowned. “I didn’t mean that as a bad thing.” He mumbled. “I like having you around.”

She relaxed, and he beamed at her, pounding in his head forgotten.

“So, ready to teach me some farm animals?” He asked.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Alex sighed. “I considered taking you to a farm, but they’re keeping you on bed rest until they’re sure your sleeping patterns are back to normal and your memory is beginning to come back, so that’s out of the picture. Which might be just as well, because farms smell awful.”

“Being a bit of a priss there, aren’t we, Kingston?” He teased.

“You try walking around a farm in high heels, Matthew. And _yes_ , it has to be high heels; otherwise I look bloody tiny next to you.” She huffed.

“Not my fault you lost in the genetic lottery.” He shrugged.

“I’m taller than the average woman, thank you very much. But you’re still four inches taller than me and everyone expects me to compare to Daisy bloody Lowe and _she’s_ only a half inch shorter than you.” The obvious resentment in Alex’s voice threw him for a loop.

“Why does everyone expect you to compare to Daisy?” He asked, confused.

“I – it’s a long story.” She sighed.

“We have a long time.” He pointed out.

“Well, basically, Kaz, Daisy and I are seen as the only real feminine factors in your life.” Alex paused before adding, “Your mum, too, but you don’t really make public appearances with her.” She took a deep breath and began a deluge of words.

“Whenever you go to a party or other event and there’s a plus one involved, you go to Daisy first. About three quarters of the time she has something she needs to do. You used to go to Kaz next, but she’s living in LA now so you can’t exactly ask her to fly across the pond to go with you to some party. So, I normally go with you as your plus one. There was speculation for a while that you had broken things off with Daisy to be with me – which is obviously absolute bull – and soon after that ended the paps made you a prize to be won by either one of us or the other." Alex paused for a moment, hesitating before adding more depth to that portion of the story.

"Daisy and I were on friendly terms before that, but she took the competition a little bit seriously. We started fighting on a pretty regular basis, and now it’s an unspoken rule between us that I am not in the room when she is, unless it’s absolutely necessary. I guess you could call us enemies, though I don’t prefer to use the term.” Alex finished.

“That’s bloody awful.” Matt murmured. “I’m sorry that the paps did that to you – and that I did it, too, in a way.”

“It’s alright, sweetie.” She said breezily. “You’re out of my league, anyways.” She smirked.

“Bullocks!”  He exclaimed. “If anyone’s out of anyone else’s league, you’re out of mine.” He was lucky that she had moved to the chair beside his bed, rather than the one across the room, because he could now easily elbow her in the ribs.

“Trust me, darling, you’re out of my league. Twenty years younger, famous, attractive? What’s a girl to do?” She fake swooned, and he barked out a laugh.

“I’d be willing to bet that you’re famous, too, considering you always cover up that bloody fantastic hair when you leave. It’s a dead giveaway, your most prominent feature.” He looked at her, daring her to contradict him.

“We met on Doctor Who, the show David was telling you about yesterday. I played your wife.” He was quiet for a moment, assimilating the information. Had they kissed? Probably. God forbid they had done any _sex scenes_ together. Speaking of which, he had meant to ask Daisy if they had, to put it in childish terms, “done it”. That didn’t seem to be the appropriate time, though, so he’d have to remember next time.

“Interesting.” He finally said.

“Mm hmm.” She hummed in reply. “So, animals?” She asked. He nodded.

As it turned out, animals came much more easily to him than colors did, and he was able to move on to learning his people much more quickly than Alex had originally intended, leaving her at a loss of how to fill the extra hour that had been intended to teach the animals.

“Tell me about you, instead.” Matt suggested.

“I’m boring.” She replied.

“Bet you’re not.” He accused.

“I am!” She insisted.

“Tell me one story. About us. And then if it’s boring, you win. If it’s not, you tell me another, and you keep going until I get bored.” He commanded.

“Alright.” She relented. “Give me a moment to think.”

A half a minute ticked by before she ran her tongue over her lips and began to speak. “The day before we were scheduled to meet for a read through for Who we met at a florist’s shop. You wanted to get me flowers because your mum always told you that the proper way to greet a woman for the first time was with a bouquet of flowers and a warm smile. I was there because I was looking for flowers for my flat while I was here.” She smiled to herself, and he worried she was getting lost in the memory before she began to speak again.

“If you took me back to the shop I’m sure I could recreate the bouquet you got me down to the t. It was this beautiful blend of oranges and reds that a florist never would have created, but it looked like you made fire with flowers and I was absolutely _taken_ by it. The best part about it was that you could tell me the names of all of the flowers – heleniums and lantanas and tiger lilies and poppies and marigolds and roses – and you actually seemed to care about what they were named. And you saw me in the store right after you’d paid and you just ran up to me and shoved them in my hands before you introduced yourself, and we had a nice chat. I never ended up getting the flowers I was going to get – I was going to get violets, I remember – because that bouquet was so big and bright and beautiful.”

She smiled at him, finishing her story. “There’s a picture of it on your phone, somewhere. It’s the background for mine, but I left it at my flat to charge.”

“I’ll look for it later.” He promised. “Now, seeing as that was the furthest from boring I can think of, you can tell me another story now.” He teased.

“Cheeky.” She mumbled.

She ended up sitting on that chair beside his bed, cross legged and bright eyed, for the next three hours, totally forgetting about the rest of his necessary study material as she wove him stories of their relationship, and he began to understand why she had been the one he had woken up to. They were practically attached at the hip.

Somehow, he couldn’t imagine it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter! A note about updating, while I'm thinking about it; I intend to update every day except for Wednesday and Sunday. I also intend for the story to have upwards of fifty chapters, so it won't be over too quickly. P: I have a plan and such, but I hope this isn't too slow paced for you. If it is, feel free to tell me - I can tweak some things to make it move a little quicker, if necessary. :)


	5. 2539

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thought for a moment before pushing the required four numbers. 2539.

As all good things did, story time was forced to come to an end when a nurse mysteriously appeared and ordered him to rest. He didn’t remember any nurses around before, though he supposed that _someone_ must’ve put the IV in his arm. Alex waved goodbye and he smiled at her back.

Oddly enough, he wasn’t tired. In this new world he lived in, he was either tired, confused or in pain, and right now, all of those sensations were absent, and he had no idea what to do. When the nurse came in again to change his IV line (he still wasn’t being allowed to eat solid food, so he was still being given nutrients via the stupid thing), he asked her for a pen and paper. It was his intention to write down what he remembered, but once the too-dull pencil was gripped between his thumb and forefinger on his left hand, he could think of nothing to write.

His hand began moving without much guidance, and as he stared down at what was being created, he couldn’t help but be confused. It became clearer and clearer as he continued watching. The bump on her nose, the twinkle in her eyes, the curl of hair across her forehead – why was he drawing Alex, not Daisy? It seemed a bit peculiar.

It was hard to stop, though, after he had started. He couldn’t very well change the wild curls into sleek smoothness, could he? And replacing Alex’s strong nose with Daisy’s small one would be a crime. Not to mention, the face structure between them was totally different, and Alex’s lips were fuller, rounder, more kissable.

 _Hold it, Smith_. Matt stopped himself abruptly, and the scratching of pencil halted, as well. _You can’t bloody well fancy Alex Kingston – you’re engaged_. Like that changed anything. Like being engaged suddenly made him unable to be attracted to anyone besides the one he was engaged to.

It was extremely unpleasant to be severely concussed and once again bloody confused. He tried to convince himself it was just that she had taken care of him, but that lasted for about a half a second before he had to admit he was being stupid. Stupid. He had asked her if she was his girlfriend and hadn’t even felt bloody ashamed by it, not even when she had teased him about it and told him he was engaged to someone else.

What he really needed was to talk to someone. God knew he needed some sort of clarity, someone who would know if this was a spontaneous thing or not. Of course the only one he could think to call was David, the only person other than Alex and Daisy he had spoken to since his waking, and there was no way in hell he was going to tell either of them about his possible maybe yes definitely feelings about Alex.

His phone had a passcode. Of course his bloody phone had a bloody passcode. He mused that ‘bloody’ was easily constructing about a third of his vocabulary at the moment, and chuckled a bit before the annoyance of the keypad continued to blink up at him.

He thought for a moment before pushing the required four numbers. 2539.

A – L – E – X.

His phone made a soft dinging noise as it opened and he cursed himself. If it hadn’t been that, he would have had some sort of chance.

He detested revelations. Revelations of an over-drugged amnesiac were far from good, especially when they involved his primary caretaker who obviously had no intention of making the feelings mutual.

Luckily enough for him, David actually answered his phone.

“Why didn’t you tell me I fancy Alex bloody Kingston?!” He exploded as soon as he heard the other line being picked up.

“Hello to you, too.” David said dryly. “And I didn’t tell you because do you know how _confusing_ that would be for you? To wake up and be told you’re going to marry someone but you really fancy someone else?”

“Finally figured out he fancies Kingston?” A voice came from the background, on David’s end of the call.

“Does everyone know about this except for me?” Matt muttered grumpily.

“You, Alex, and Daisy are utterly oblivious to who your affections belong to, Matt.” He could practically see David shaking his head.

“This isn’t good, David! I’m going to be married in December and I don’t know who the fuck I love!” Matt’s voice began escalated, both in pitch and volume, and he was sure hysteria was going to set it soon.

This wasn’t something he should discover when he had just learned today what a bloody pig was and he had not been able to identify the color purple yesterday. This should’ve been something that happened gradually, as he looked at the way she smiled and the way she moved, not all at once as he realized that he was _bloody drawing her_ and he had his phone passcode as her name.

“Matt. Calm down and get some tea.” David ordered.

“The bloody hospital doesn’t let me have bloody tea.” Matt snarled.

“Well then get yourself more pain medication!” David snapped. “Because it’s not like I can make you stop loving her. I can tell you only what you’ve told me and what I’ve observed. I was almost hoping that it would go away because you’re a bleeding idiot when it comes to her.”

They sighed in unison.

“So I’m in love with a woman who plays my wife and is pretty much my best friend, and I’m getting married to her polar opposite in nine months.” Matt reiterated.

“You know, you could always shag Alex and then plead the need for a nuclear family for the kid to get out of it.” David chuckled.

“I think it would take me nine months to even get her in to bed.” Matt shot back. Somehow it was easier to pretend this was a joke than actually approach it seriously.

He couldn’t be in bloody love with bloody Alex Kingston.


	6. Bright Lights and Cityscapes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was a good singer, he noticed as he twirled her around, catching her as her socks slid on the tile floor.

Alex returned to his hospital room a few minutes after the nurse had demanded he rest, putting a finger against her lips to indicate silence. He quickly crumpled his drawing of her face into a ball, not wanting her to see the smudges of graphite that had conjured up an image of her that was surprisingly accurate, in his opinion.

“Hey, rebel.” He snickered to her as she came to sit by his bed.

“What, like you didn’t miss me.” She teased.

“Me? Miss you? Oh, never.” He chuckled. She stuck her tongue out in response, and he tugged on one of her curls in his own form of fighting.

“The doctor said that you need some sort of physical activity in order to help you recover from muscular dystrophy.” She announced to him.

“So this isn’t technically unallowed?” Matt asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well…” Alex said, drawing out the word in a way that implied whatever she had in mind was certainly _not_ allowed. She tugged him up from the bed either way, and he found it was easier than he thought it would be to stand. It didn’t end there, though.

Somehow, he ended up dancing around his hospital room with his phone blaring _Mamma Mia_ in its own tinny tone as he and Alex sang along. She was a good singer, he noticed as he twirled her around, catching her as her socks slid on the tile floor.

“Careful, don’t want both of us having a concussion!” He laughed to her. It seemed so natural to place a kiss on her temple then that he didn’t even notice he had done so until she stopped and stared at him for a half a second before the world jerked back into motion and they began dancing again.

By the time the song ended, they were both red faced, and definitely for more than one reason. He didn’t know what the next song would be, having put his iPod on shuffle, but was pleasantly surprised when a slow ballad came on and he had an excuse to draw her closer.

“I didn’t know you listened to Sarah Bareilles.” Alex teased, shifting her body so she was arranged against his chest in a friendlier manner.

“Is that who this is?” He murmured into her hair.

“Yes, dear.” She hummed against his chest. He wondered how cliché it was to think that she could feel the frantic beating of his heart through the paper-thin hospital ground and his sweat-slicked skin.

“Is she a good singer?” He inquired.

“I think that’s for you to say for yourself.” Alex replied, voice still soft. “I’m surprised you have this song, of all of hers.”

Matt took a pause to listen to the lyrics that his phone was serenading him with. It was a strange song, he thought. _She is bright lights, and cityscapes_. Strange, but oddly accurate. As soon as he thought about it, really focused his mind, he could see how this song would remind him of Alex.

 _Or Daisy_. His brain berated him. Maybe he did love Daisy, maybe the thing with Alex was temporary, but goddamn, he hoped it wasn’t. He wasn’t sure why Alex was allowing him to sweep her up in his arms, but he liked the way she fit there, nestled against his body, curve against curve, her head just low enough to rest on his shoulder.

It took him a bit longer to realize that she was laying her head against his shoulder. It sent an odd thrill through him, and he had to wonder if they had done this before, as friends, or as…something more. He didn’t suspect the latter, not after her reaction to his inquiry after he had awoken the first time, but it could be possible.

“You’re thinking too hard.” Alex breathed against his skin.

“Says who?” He couldn’t help but nuzzle his nose into her hair as he spoke, his lips gusting his breath into her forehead as he did so.

“Says me.” She whispered back. “You shouldn’t be this quiet.”

“Maybe I just want to hold a beautiful girl in my arms and dance around my hospital room.” His words sounded deep and rumbly, much more masculine than he had originally intended. They sounded much too suggestive, not teasing enough. It was too late to revoke them now, though.

“Tell me when you get a beautiful girl.” She yawned.

 _Oh_. She was only resting on him because she was tired. Not because he had any sort of significance, but because she probably couldn’t be getting more than six hours of sleep and he had just forced her to jump and twirl around a room with him.

His heart sank much more than it should have.

“Don’t talk like that.” He chastised gently. “You are beautiful. And I can say that as a mostly unbiased source.”

“Only mostly.” She yawned again, and he pressed her closer, resisting the urge to press his lips against hers and shut her up.

It felt like too bizarre of a change to make, too big of a realization to be acting on already. He wanted to fall in love with her the old fashioned way, not because he had thought about how he wanted to kiss her lips and suddenly half-remember how he felt about her. He wanted to notice it a little at a time, notice the way her eyes shined and the way her nose crinkled when she laughed. It was too late now, though.

“You’re being quiet again.” Her voice was drowsy, and she seemed to be growing heavier in his arms.

“Sorry.” He apologized.

“Penny for your thoughts?” She requested sleepily.

“Just trying to remember things.” He responded. _Trying to remember you and how I feel about you and why and why I can never seem to get you off my damn mind and why I feel like I need you already and I haven’t even really had time to properly recognize that I’m in love_.

What he added in his head was much too long for a simple sentence.

“You know, this used to be my favorite song.” Her mouth opened once again in a gaping yawn, and he smiled into her hair at the way she looked when she yawned. She mumbled a few more words into his shoulder, but he didn’t quite catch them through the sluggish tongue and the muffling of his own body.

She fell asleep standing up, head on his shoulder, and he was content to just stand there and hold her.

It was just now occurring to him that as much as he enjoyed holding her now, he would enjoy it even more if he got to hold her for the rest of his life.

He cursed his mind and his blasphemous thoughts, going against everything he had been told but agreeing with everything he felt.

Sometimes he just wanted his life to be simple.

Less confusing would be nice, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I didn't get to update yesterday! I ended up getting unexpected oral surgery. It was minor, but still hurt like a son of a bitch, so I was a bit too cranky to write. I'm going to try to post a chapter tomorrow to make up for it, but don't quote me on that. Hope you enjoyed!


	7. Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now it’s like they start puzzles and stop without giving me the rest of the pieces. Lame analogy, I know, but it’s frustrating.”

The next days passed in a blur of pleasant conversations, not-so-pleasant tutoring sessions and least-pleasant-of-all visits from Daisy. He was learning at a quick enough pace, but it still didn’t feel like it was going fast enough. That frustration, among other things, including much too little pain medication, made his voice snappish on more than one occasion, and he feared the worst the day after he had one of his outbursts and Alex wasn’t there when he woke up.

He assumed that she was just running late, or finally catching up on some much-needed sleep, and didn’t think much of it. As nine o’clock ticked away to noon, and then to two thirty, he began to worry. He had been a bit of an ass yesterday, and though he hated how he was confined to a hospital bed (why couldn’t they just discharge him, damnit!), he really shouldn’t have taken it out on her. He looked down at his fingernails, having nothing better to do, and raised one to his mouth to chew on it nervously.

Just as he was sure he was going to go insane, the door swung open. He looked up with a bright smile, expecting Alex to be in the doorway, but was disappointed when a stranger stood there instead.

“Hi?” His voice phrased the greeting as more of a question than anything, and he tried to keep from furrowing his brows. He tried to recall something, anything, about the man with curly, dark hair that was standing in front of him. He really should be learning his people, he thought to himself, instead of his multiplication tables. Alex had kept asking, but he had kept delaying, and now it was coming back to bite him in the arse when there was someone he didn’t know at the door and no one there to translate for him.

“Hello, Matt.” The man continued hovering, shifting from foot to foot and seeming reluctant to leave the doorframe.

“Would you like to come in?” Matt asked, attempting courtesy but coming out a bit peeved. He let out a soft exhale of air, trying to compose himself. It was bad enough Alex hated him, and he didn’t need this new person to, as well.

The strange man walked with a long gait, Matt noted, and he felt a tug of familiarity at the sound of sneakers echoing on the tile floor. It was almost a memory, but not quite, and that did nothing to help Matt’s growing irritation. The man offered no sort of greeting beyond his original hello, and Matt decided to bite the bullet – he didn’t like the awkward silence that was festering and reminding him awfully of how Alex had been before she left last night.

“Sorry to be difficult, but who are you?” That wasn’t as hard as he expected. The other man’s eyes widened slightly, as if he was just now remembering that Matt had gotten a serious concussion, and he began talking quickly.

“I’m so sorry Matt, I forgot that Alex said you can’t remember anything, I wasn’t thinking, I’m so, so, sorry –”

“Mate.” Matt said dryly. “This isn’t helping the whole me-not-knowing-your-name situation.” He cracked what he hoped was a comforting smile, encouraging the curly-haired stranger to introduce himself.

“Benedict. Benedict Cumberbatch.” The man replied.

“Good, good. Nice to meet you again, Benedict.” Matt paused. “Who were you to me, exactly?”

“Friend, pleasant acquaintance, somewhere in between the two. Alex said that she was going to be gone today since it’s her daughter’s birthday, and she wanted someone to come visit you. Tom was supposed to come this morning but he’s come down with the flu.” Benedict’s voice seemed apologetic at his last phrase, but Matt got caught up after his second sentence.

“Alex knew she wasn’t going to be here today?” He tried not to sound accusatory, but Benedict blanched.

“Yes, why?” The other man ran a hand through his curls nervously.

“She could have maybe told me instead of everyone else.” He huffed. “I thought I had finally pissed her off enough she wasn’t going to come back.”

“Oh, no, you could never –” Benedict cut himself off, clamping his mouth shut, before he finished his sentence.

“I could never what?” Matt prodded.

“Nothing.” Benedict sang back, his voice much too quick.

“People are always doing that.” Matt grumbled.

“What?” Ben inquired curiously.

“Starting sentences and cutting themselves off. I’m sure they did it a lot before, but that was when I had the mental capacity to fill in what they were going to say. Now it’s like they start puzzles and stop without giving me the rest of the pieces. Lame analogy, I know, but it’s frustrating.” Matt ran his fingers through his hair and then rubbed his eyes, now both irritated and confused. He could never _what_?

“Sorry, mate, but if I finished that Alex would never forgive me.” Benedict shrugged.

“How do you know Alex, exactly?” Matt asked curiously. Best to try to fit together what he knew about all these people who were traipsing in and out of his life like they owned the thing.

“Through you and Moffat, if you would believe it. You introduced us when you began Who, and Moffat asked her to be my mentor of sorts as I grew as an actor.” Benedict smiled at the memory, and Matt felt jealousy flush his face. Ben obviously cared for Alex, very much, and even though Matt didn’t know quite how to feel, the little green monster inside him was roaring at him to wipe the smile off of the other actor’s face.

He settled for a simple ‘that’s nice’ instead.

“You said Tom was supposed to be here this morning.” Matt tried to strike up another conversation. Falling into silences was too easy with Alex, but felt odd with anyone else, and he needed to hear the room full of voices. “Who’s Tom? Both in general and in relationship to me.”

“Tom as in Tom Hiddleston – he’s an actor, too. He’s another friend of yours.” Benedict supplied promptly. “I’m not sure where you met or anything. I’m afraid I’m not as knowledgeable about your life as Alex is.”

Matt sighed. It seemed no one was as knowledgeable about his life as she was, and for some reason that scared him.

It made him excited, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't post this yesterday like I implied/half-promised. I had a Calculus test to study for and lord knows I needed it. I also changed a few small things in Chapter One that aren't important know but may be necessary to know later - just a head's up if you want to reread. :)


	8. Dignity is the Last Thing On My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t want love. He didn’t want someone who would kiss his tears away.

The next time he was talking, it was to her.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve told you I wasn’t going to be here.” She apologized for what must’ve been the millionth time, and he gave her a small smile.

“It’s fine. It was selfish of me to think that I had the power to make you leave just by being an utter arsehole, and I wouldn’t have want you to miss Salome’s birthday.” He blinked up at her, begging her with his eyes to stop apologizing for a mistake that was obviously his.

“You look tired.” She said abruptly. “You smile a tired smile. It’s like you’ve aged a hundred years.”

He paused, and sighed softly. “I feel older. Like everything takes a little bit more out of me, like everything hurts.” And it was true. He didn’t like it, because he was still _young_. He wasn’t a teenager, but he wasn’t senile, either.

“I – sorry. That was rude of me, wasn’t it?” She asked, totally ignoring his statement. He almost thought she wanted him to have been offended by her words. Like she wanted him to reject them.

“I feel older.” He repeated numbly. “Not like everything takes a bit more out of me, but like I am old. Like I am ancient. And I don’t know why, and I don’t like it.”

It was strange, how he had refused to acknowledge that simple truth until she had said it. How sudden it was. Everything was sudden any more – it was all act now, think later, live while you can. The sort of mentality that he might have had when he was twenty, but certainly shouldn’t have when he was thirty one. It wasn’t necessary. He had so much left to live for.

He really should think like that, he commanded himself, _especially_ considering the woman he wanted to kiss was dangerously close to him and she was one of those special cases where think now, act later was most certainly required. And he wasn’t really sure why he wanted to kiss her other than he really, really wanted to. It was irrational and probably very stupid, but he knew that the moment his lips crashed against hers everything would be alright and –

He took a sharp breath. He needed to stop. He couldn’t do that to her. David had told him that she had two failed marriages under her belt, and they were friends. She was his friend, nothing more. She was his protector, but nothing more.

Nothing, he insisted to himself. Nothing.

“Earth to Matt.” Alex said, waving a hand in front of his face.

“Sorry.” He muttered. “There’s my age showing.”

“Matthew.” She sighed, her tone warning him not to say anything like that again. “You’re fine. You’ve been in a hospital bed for too long and I, personally, think they need to let you out now and let you relearn your life. It can’t be easy, having so many people that know you and not knowing any of them in return.”

“It’s hard.” He admitted. He felt tears rush to his eyes, prickling and pooling dangerously. He swallowed them back. He didn’t _want_ any of these emotions, he didn’t want sudden feelings. He wanted soft and slow and something he could ease into. He didn’t _want_ to jump in head first but he wanted too much to have his old life back, with one obvious exception.

“Matt?” Her lips made his name sound like something beautiful, not a random arrangement of letters that made a monosyllabic word that felt harsh and strange when he said it, especially when his throat was rough with tears, as it often was when he was alone.

He was tired and he was scared and whenever she wasn’t there he felt alone.

And God damn, if that wasn’t love, he didn’t know what was.

He didn’t _want_ love. He didn’t want someone who would kiss his tears away. His mind kept insisting he wanted her, but he was told he wanted Daisy and yes, confusion was back again.

“Matt.” She repeated.

“Sorry, I…” He sighed, unable to finish his sentence, unable to conjure up some impossible excuse. He didn’t want to keep hiding, and he didn’t want to tell her.

He hated not knowing. It was more than hard, it was more than frustrating; it was unnatural. He wished Ben or David was here to tell him that he loved Alex. He knew Benedict knew, because of that off-handed statement. He could never something Alex, because he bloody well loved her.

“It’s okay, dear.”

_Damn it to hell_. Lost in his thoughts, he had let his carefully controlled emotions go. That half-second of weakness left him unable to reign himself in again, and he had begun crying. First his tears were silent, sliding down his cheeks and leaving behind a warm, wet trail that made him feel even more disgusting than he already did. He wasn’t supposed to cry over her, he was supposed to cry over Daisy. He was supposed to cry over how beautiful Daisy looked coming down the aisle on their wedding day. He didn’t care how much he hated the airhead, that was the way it was _supposed_ to be, and he would damn well make it happen.

The silent tears turned into sobs at that thought. He couldn’t control his memory, he couldn’t control his emotions, and he couldn’t even control who he loved. He had nothing under his control and if this was what the world was like, he’d like to go back into a coma, thank you very much.

“Darling, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have upset you like that, it was inconsiderate of me…” Her voice was soothing and sweet. She didn’t know that it was what she hadn’t said, rather than what she had, that made him feel like this. If she had answered one of the first questions he had asked with a ‘yes’ then this would be so much different. He wouldn’t feel weak when he sunk into her touch, when he let her climb into the bed beside him as he hiccoughed and cried. He wouldn’t even be crying, for God’s sake!

He didn’t register the soft kiss on his cheek until he felt the relative cool where her lips were after they left. She smoothed his hair back and her coherent words became murmured promises, sweet nothings that were meant to calm him but instead just made him cry harder. If she wasn’t so bloody _amazing_ he would be able to fall out of love.

Her arms were just too easy to fall into, and _much_ too easy to lose himself in.

He allowed himself that, those few minutes of weakness. When he felt like this, he couldn’t really imagine a better way to be comforted than by letting Alex hold him close and promise him that his life would be alright without her in it.

Not that he believed that, anymore. He gave up trying to force himself. If he loved Alex, so be it.

He would suffer in silence, but he would still have his dignity.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact I was a chapter behind kind of killed me so I hope you don't mind two updates on one day. Thanks again for all of your lovely comments - they really do make my day!


	9. The Next Time He Cried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the stranger beamed at Matt, a sinking feeling took hold in the pit of his stomach. There would be another one of those awkward hello-who-the-hell-are- you moments and then he would be forced to make stilted conversation until Alex gently reminded them that he was still recovering from a very serious concussion.

The next time he cried was the next day.

It started with yet another stranger at the door and Alex looking rather alarmed by their appearance. When the stranger beamed at Matt, a sinking feeling took hold in the pit of his stomach. There would be another one of those awkward hello-who-the-hell-are- you moments and then he would be forced to make stilted conversation until Alex gently reminded them that he was still recovering from a very serious concussion.

“Laura.” He sees on Alex’s face that she’s trying to suppress a grimace as she looks at the stranger. “He doesn’t know who you are.”

The bright smile that lit up the stranger (Laura)’s face faded quickly, and Matt felt the sinking feeling intensify. Could he remember anyone?

He flipped quickly through the index of who she could be. Alex had said a girl named Kaz, who had yet to make an appearance, was his best friend, Daisy was his fiancée, Alex was his unrequited love, so what did that leave?

If she was his mum he was going to scream.

“It’s okay, little brother.” Laura crossed the room with strides that probably were meant to be confident, but she was not the best of actresses. “I figured you’d want some time to yourself before I came in and bothered you. I guess I just assumed that you’d remember me.”

Little brother. There was something in the affectionate way she said it, like he was the stupidest idiot in the world but still hers to protect, that made him glow with happiness. He didn’t like that he hadn’t known that there was someone in the world who loved him irrevocably, the way Laura obviously did. Anger flashed through him in a brief, hot, flash before he remembered that Alex couldn’t tell him everything. She couldn’t do everything. She was but a person.

“Sorry, big sister.” Even if he couldn’t remember, he could still imagine what it was like to grow up with the woman in front of him. It was obvious now, the family resemblance. She had the same eyes as him, though hers looked more amber, like whiskey through sunlight, than the hazel he had seen in a small mirror Alex had shown him a few days back. Their noses matched, and when she gave him a cautious smile, it was identical to his own.

“I’m going to go get some lunch, Matt. Do you want anything?” He nodded, and Alex stood up. He wondered if she had as rocky of a relationship with his sister as she did with Daisy. Maybe that would help him fall out of love?

No, it was obvious by the smile Laura gave Alex (a grateful, happy one) when the latter left the room that they were on good terms. And for some reason that made him happy, rather than exasperated by his own awful affections.

“So what have you been doing lately?” Laura asked conversationally.

“Sleeping. Learning things. Sleeping.” Matt replied dryly. His sister chuckled at him.

“Spending time with Alex?” The way her eyebrows tilted implied a lot of things he wished to keep buried in the back of his head.

“Laura. Am I the only one who didn’t know I liked Alex before this whole thing happened?” He asked. He hoped she would give an honest answer.

“So you’ve finally realized it!” Laura crowed.

“Can you just shut up?” Matt grumbled. He didn’t like it, the way everyone knew but him. He hoped he was more aware of his emotions now, that his brain was less cluttered with the unimportant things.

“Matthew.” Laura whined. “You need to tell her.”

“Who’s to say I haven’t?” He sniffed indignantly.

“She would’ve kissed you goodbye.” Laura brushed his faux confidence off easily. “She knows I would never judge if you were.”

“Is this something you’ve discussed?” Matt arched his eyebrows and couldn’t help the spark of hope that burned within him.

“If I said yes, would you kill me?” Laura answered the question with a question, thus the answer was obviously _yes_.

He beamed at her.

“So if I – Alex – if that were to happen…?” He couldn’t find the words to describe the feeling. It was another act now think later moment, but it was fantastic and maybe he could get Alex to agree to love him the way he loved her, and wouldn’t just be the best thing?

“Daisy, Matthew.” Laura sighed. “I have absolutely no problems with you and Alex getting together. In fact, I support it. But I cannot and will not condone you going behind Daisy’s back to do so. If you want to cut off the engagement, cut off the engagement. But don’t cheat on her.”

“Fine, done, whatever – just…Alex?” He pleaded.

“Your puppy dog eyes and desperate voice have convinced me, Matthew.” Laura chuckled. “I think that if you go about it in the right fashion, then there will be no problem convincing her.” Laura paused. “I _probably_ shouldn’t say this, but you’re my little brother, and thus I have an obligation to you when it comes to girls. She adores you, alright? Don’t let her convince you otherwise. She’s just scared.”

“Yeah, of course.” He had to admit that even though the intensity of his feelings with no previous knowledge was scary, it was nice to know they weren’t unrequited.

Talking to his sister was surprisingly easy and surprisingly enlightening after that had passed. Alex didn’t know about his childhood (and to be honest, he would be scared if she did), and Laura had an abundance of stories to share about their parents, their house, and an overenthusiastic Cocker Spaniel.

When Alex slipped back into the room, he barely noted it; Laura’s cheery voice was conjuring a tale of a lost box of crayons that was found several days later in the form of very colorful dog turds.

“Matt?” Alex’s voice cut in at the end of the story, soft and timid. “They want you to go up to have a head CT.”

“Why?” He asked, suddenly alarmed by her somber tone. Laura mirrored the look, her eyeliner just exaggerating the wideness of her eyes.

“I wasn’t told why, just that I should tell you.” Alex looked down at her hands, the lie written on her face, but he didn’t push.

“Now?”

She nodded.

That wasn’t what made him cry, though – that came later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've gotten behind on updating again! I spent most of yesterday plotting out the rest of the story; all that I can tell you for now is that it will be told in three, possibly four, parts, depending on which way I go with the story. Two roads diverge in a yellow wood, and I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE TO CHOOSE! All blabbering aside, apologies again for the later update and I hope you enjoyed!


	10. He Cried (For Real)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The doctor entered the room with several images of his brain in tow, and Alex stupid up abruptly to leave. He hated that she always left right when he wanted to cling to her, when he needed comfort.

He didn’t like the way the machine swallowed him up. He was being eaten alive, chewed with magnetic rays and awful, resounding silence. All he had to look at was the top of the machine, and though it was nice to have peace and quiet, after the first thirty seconds he became mind-numbingly bored. He only had two weeks’ worth of memories to browse through, and one hell of a problem he didn’t really want to think about while under observation.

The scanner spat him out what couldn’t have been more than an hour later but felt like days. He was plopped back into his room like a toy back into its toy box, still with no explanation as to why he had been forced to lay absolutely still for an ungodly amount of time. He sat on his bed, fiddling with the strings on his hospital gown for a few seconds before turning his eyes to Alex. She was resolutely avoiding his gaze, as if she knew something he didn’t. She had a book draped across her lap, but didn’t appear to be reading it – she’d flip the page only to flip it back again, as if she had forgotten what she read.

The doctor entered the room with several images of his brain in tow, and Alex stupid up abruptly to leave. He hated that she always left right when he wanted to cling to her, when he needed comfort.

The doctor spat out a long string of words, most of them medical jargon, and the only one he could really latch on to was six letters long and the most terrifying word he had ever heard.

 _Cancer_.

He couldn’t have cancer. Cancer was something that hurt other people, not him. Cancer was something you saw in sad movies, something that ripped lovers and lives apart. Cancer couldn’t be in him, it couldn’t be in his brain, it couldn’t _be_. He had so much to live for and so much he wanted to do, and he couldn’t die before he remember everything that had happened to him – he couldn’t die with a blank slate in his head and a hundred million questions in his heart. It wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be possible! The only hope that he had was that he could get rid of it.

_Inoperable._

All these stupid, hateful words were drowning out the light of his hope and it was all he could do not to slap the doctor senseless or break down in tears. When the man stood up and offered his sincerest apologies, Matt shook his hand firmly before requesting that he please send Alex in.

When she came in, she made a beeline for his bed, forgoing her chair in the corner as she curled up beside him. She had suspected it, if not known it, from the beginning. If he wasn’t so angry, so devastated, he might have found a way to be angry at her. Instead he held her close and sobbed. He was broken and he was torn and all he needed was someone to hold. She sat stiffly still, and he could tell she was unwilling to let him see how badly she was hurt by the news.

“How can I do this?” He murmured through the tears blurring his eyes. “How can I beat it?”

“I don’t know.” She sighed into his skin. He had a brief moment of joy about the fact that she was actually letting him touch her, _hold_ her, before he sunk again into sadness.

“Will you stay with me?” He breathed into her hair.

Before she could answer, the door swung open, and she sprang away from him as if his skin was on fire. He gave her a mournful glance, but she didn’t return it. He looked up to see Daisy standing in the doorway, hands on her hips. Alex slunk out of the room like a timid animal, and he found it harder to breathe without his arms wrapped around her, with Daisy’s hard gaze fixed on him instead.

“What was she doing?”

 _God_ , did they really need to go through this? Couldn’t he just say something and make another stupid, rash decision? He had made enough of them already and it wasn’t like he had that much time left to make more.

“She was comforting me.” He answered, his mind and his mouth at odds as to how he could go about letting Daisy down gently, and his mouth the dominant one at the moment.

“Why?” Daisy’s voice was accusatory, as it well should’ve been.

“Because I don’t want to marry you anymore and I have brain cancer.” The two body parts had decided to meet in the middle, though it probably wasn’t the best way to drop the news. Two bomb shells that were completely independent but still equally devastating couldn’t be easy to process.

“And you want to marry her instead?” Daisy asked. It was like the calm before the storm, the way her voice was low and almost accepting of the fact.

“I don’t know.” He answered. It was the truthful answer, but the wrong one. The way Daisy’s eyes flashed made it obvious – she didn’t want shaky ground. Either _yes_ he wanted to marry Alex or _no_ he did not. _Yes_ , he wanted to be in a relationship with her, but marriage? This soon? It seemed an unfair question.

“But you don’t want to marry me.” She confirmed.

“Yes.” He replied.

“Then I’ll go.” Daisy sighed. “I just want you to be happy.”

He never thought those words would hurt so much. He closed his eyes and let the door slam permeate his consciousness.

“Alex?” He asked to the empty air. Like magic, a warm presence appeared beside him. “I think I just broke things off with Daisy.”

“You think or you know?” Her voice was calm, but not the shaking calm that had possessed Daisy. It was distinctly Alex, soothing but firm.

“I know.” He opened his eyes to see her kneeling beside him, bright green eyes peering towards him.

She didn’t respond, other than by blinking once.

“Will you stay with me?” He repeated, moving over in the bed so there was room if she so chose.

“If you want.” But before he could answer, she was curled up beside him again, her head against his chest.

“I love you.” He whispered into her hair.

“I know.” She replied.

And he cried. Again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday! I guess I need to amend my whole every-day-but-Sunday-and-Wednesday thing to say I will update five days of the week - which five will be a surprise, I guess. ;)


	11. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He did comfort her, dropping the pretense of sleep so that he could allow his arm to shift to be around her shoulders, wrapping her into a sideways hug.

He woke up with her still pressed into his side. He could tell she was awake, too – hiccupping sobs heaved her chest every few seconds and the spot on his shoulder where her head was resting was soaked with tears. He made no movement, hardly daring to breathe. As soon as he did anything to show he was awake, she would pretend everything was okay again, pretend that she hadn’t been crying when the evidence was spelled out in black and white. There was a perverted sort of hope in him that begged her to be crying for him. There were a million other reasons to cry, but it was a little more okay if she was crying for him, because then he could comfort her.

He did comfort her, dropping the pretense of sleep so that he could allow his arm to shift to be around her shoulders, wrapping her into a sideways hug. He was startled by the fact she didn’t attempt to stem the tears, and leaned into him instead. His head was pounding, probably from all the crying he had done yesterday, and he felt empty. His old life had been stolen away by a hit to the head and his new life was going to be stolen by something in his head.

“I wish Tony was here.” She hiccupped into his neck.

“Tony?” He asked, stomach dropping. Why hadn’t David mentioned this, or Laura?

“He was my old co-star.” She murmured, using his hospital gown to dry her tears. “He would know what to do.”

“Would he?” Matt muttered back.

“Jealous?” Alex asked, giving a watery chuckle.

“What do I have to be jealous of?” He had to keep himself from snapping.

“Matthew.” Her voice was accusatory as she shifted away from him, eyes dry.

“Alexandra.” He responded, locking his eyes with her.

“You said you loved me.” She reminded him.

“And you said I knew.” He continued with the statement of facts she had begun.

“Anthony would know what to say. I had nightmares about this for months after he left, that someone would –” She turned the conversation back to the elephant in the room. The tears began anew, and he pulled her close again, blinking away tears of his own. “And I didn’t think it would be you, and, and –” Her voice broke. “It had to be _you_ , of all people.”

“What do you mean?” He furrowed his brows as he began combing his fingers through her hair.

“I shouldn’t tell you.” She looked away from him, casting her eyes downwards as tears began beading on her eyelashes.

“Well now you’ve kindled my curiosity, you have an obligation to tell me.” He argued stubbornly. And in a way, she did. A mysterious man he had never heard of, a source of comfort in her darkest hours – didn’t he deserve to know after his stupid confession of love.

“I have no obligation to you whatsoever.” She snapped.

“I have brain cancer and I’m going to die, how’s that for obligation?” He hissed back. He knew it was a low blow, and by the way she looked at him, he wished he could take it back.

“Stop saying that.” She whispered, their argument suddenly vanished for a tenderer subject.

“Not saying it isn’t going to make it any less true.” He replied, voice lowering to match hers.

“Matt, please –” She began. He just shook his head, and she began again, with different words.

“Tony played a character, and his name was Mark. I played a character, and her name was Elizabeth. He got brain cancer – the same type you have. And…he died.” She nuzzled her nose into his chest, hiding from the demons that he could practically see sitting on her shoulders.

“And you missed him.” He asserted.

“I did. But his character, more so, the fact that this happens, every day, to people that are good, to people that mean something…I got scared.” Her voice was muffled as she spoke into his chest.

“And he helped.” He supplied.

“Knowing he was here was knowing that Mark wasn’t dead. Knowing that Mark wasn’t really dead was like ignoring the fact it could happen.” She explained, dragging them closer together.

“Well it can.” He winced at the roughness of his own voice. “Sorry.”

“You’re…you have cancer.” She murmured. “I don’t want it to be true.”

“Talking to him won’t change that.” He said.

“I know. I wish it could.” She sighed.

“I do too, sweetheart.” His voice caught in his throat.

“I don’t want to lose you.” She hummed into the skin on his throat, dropping a soft kiss on his Adam ’s apple. A warm glow spread through him, and they both took a deep, shuddering breath.

“I know. You’re my friend.”

“You said I love you.” She repeated her earlier words.

“I did.” He confirmed.

“Do you love me or not?” She asked.

“Of course I do. But you –” He began.

“Feel completely and utterly the same.” She finished for him.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” He rumbled.

“Because I can’t fall in love with you just to have you ripped away!” She snapped. She took a sharp breath before calming down again. “I cannot – twice I’ve failed already. Three times is too much.”

“Alright.” He sighed.

“You’re – accepting it?” She

“I am going to die.” He took a deep breath. He was going to die. “I came into this world all alone, and I don’t mind if I die that way too.” He blinked at her once, twice, and she stared back at him.

“I never said I was going to leave.” She raised her eyebrows at him.

“Seemed that way to me.” He accused.

“Matt, I couldn’t…” She inhaled and exhaled once, slowly, as if she were trying to regain her bearings. “You don’t know how much you mean to me. You never knew how much you meant to me, not even before –” She made a vague gesture with her hand towards him. “Before this happened.”

“I love you, stupid.” He whispered, kissing her forehead. “And it doesn’t matter what happened then, because I know now, how much I mean to you.”

“I don’t think you do.” She pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

“I think I do.” He kissed the corner of her mouth.

“Are we going to play this game?” She peered up at him through her eyelashes.

“This is a game to you, Kingston?” He teased.

“I don’t know…” She purred. “Is it?” She kissed his jaw line and nuzzled his pulse point gently.

“Alex…” He sighed. “If you want to kiss me, then would you just kiss me already?”

So she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I absolutely /hate/ when authors do this but I wrote two chapters ahead and decided when this got 65 comments or 75 kudos I'd post the next chapter so when the former happened I kind of squealed and then decided to post this. Thanks for your absolutely AMAZING support and happy Sunday - again!


	12. Run, Run Away Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you’re going to run away, please do it now.” He suggested.

**156 days, 17 hours, 29 minutes**

 

“Alex?” He whispered into her hair after a moment of silence. “Can I go home soon?”

The crying had not taken all of his emotions away, nor had the kiss, and at that moment, he felt very much like a small child who had been told their newest toy had been crushed. He just wanted to get out of the hospital, where disinfectant and white clothing reigned, and back into a warm bed that he couldn’t remember but certainly wanted.

“I don’t know.” She responded with equal quiet clinging to her voice.

“How long do you think I have?” He asked weakly.

“I…whatever the doctor said, sweetheart.” She answered. He could feel her deep breath, the way her ribcage expanded and pressed against him, making his heart beat faster.

“Is this the part where you run away?” He inquired, voice muffled as he once again lost himself in her wild curls.

“There isn’t always a part where I run away.” She attempted to refute him, but her voice sounded so tired that it didn’t do much other than confirm his belief.

“If you’re going to run away, please do it now.” He suggested.

He didn’t expect her to get up off his lap, cross the room, and pick up her bag like it was nothing. He didn’t expect her to slip through the door like he didn’t break, right then. He had asked her to, but he hadn’t really meant it, had he?

He was tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Somehow the idea of dying soon wasn’t really intimidating – he supposed it would take a bit until he realized he had five, maybe six, months left to live. He suspected he’d begin to count the days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds, the breaths of air that entered and exited his lungs…He suspected it would be real soon.

He decided to rest his eyes, but the thought didn’t last for long, because the door opened again, its hinges squealing rather loudly. The poor thing had been used far too much in the past few days.

“Care to tell me why Alex Kingston is crying in the lobby?” The man asked, his walk more of a swagger as he kicked the door shut behind him.

“Hi, I’m Matt, nice to meet you, and what?” He asked, straightening his back and hoping he hadn’t looked too pathetic slumped into his pillows.

“I know who you are, we’ve met.” The man replied curtly. “Now my question.”

“I’d like to know your name first, if that’s quite alright.” Matt deflected the statement with ease, adjusting his position again.

“Paul. McCrane. Don’t remember when we met?” The man seemed momentarily distracted, and for that Matt was glad.

“Don’t remember much of anything, actually. Severe concussion, compounded with other things.” Matt nodded along with his words, hoping he didn’t look too much like a twelve-year-old bobble head.

“Oh. You do know who Alex is though, don’t you?” Paul quirked his eyebrow and Matt nodded again, _knowing_ he looked like a twelve-year-old bobble head.

“She kind of retaught me the world, you see, since last month. She’s my saving grace.” He halted his words abruptly, trying to gauge exactly how much Paul knew about Alex and her affections for Matt. Eventually he ended up just saying silent, peering up at Paul with inquisitive eyes.

“So, would you happen to know why she was crying?” Paul probed, moving closer to Matt’s bed.

“I would, actually.” The younger man responded.

“And would you happen to know who was the cause of it?” Paul was closer still, and Matt’s breathing began to quicken.

“That would be me. Sort of. Kind of. It’s complicated.” He sighed, burying his head in his hands and combing his fingers through his hair before looking back up again.

“How is it complicated?” The anger in Paul’s voice was evident, but it seemed caught in the back of his throat.

“I think maybe she l-l-l” Matt couldn’t manage to get the word out.

“Loves you.” Paul supplied, voice rising. “And you don’t, do you? And she’s wasted her time on you?” The way Paul said it made it hard for Matt to believe this hadn’t happened too many times before.

“Oh, I love her a lot.” Matt deflected. “But…things happen.” He exhaled again, trying not to think about his situation. He could feel the realization coming, just like it had come to her. It was a ton of bricks that he could see but could not stop, and that was terrifying.

“Things big enough to make her cry!?” The protectiveness in Paul’s voice made Matt blossom with pride and warmth, but also shrink back from the rage that was directed towards him.

“I have cancer and I’m going to be dead by the end of the year!” It was hard and easy to say those words. They had stuck for a moment in his throat, but that was, he reckoned, just because it was the first time he had said it to anyone but Alex.

Paul was stunned into silence.

“Apparently that was not the sort of things you had in mind.” Matt joked weakly.

“Give me a moment to process.” Paul’s eyebrows furrowed and he held up his hand. After a long pause, the older man took a deep breath and began to speak again. “Two questions: where is there cancer that they can’t get out of you? And why are you so okay with this?”

“My head.” Matt murmured. “It’s all in my head, I guess you could say. On my mind. Rather, on my brain. And I supposed it hasn’t quite hit me yet, that I don’t get that much time with her – with anyone. Until that realization comes, I’ll be here. Even after it does, I’ll be here. I don’t get much of a choice in the matter.”

“Ah. She’s told you, then, about Mark and Elizabeth?” Paul asked, suddenly quieter.

He nodded.

“Do you love her?” Paul inquired, tapping out a rhythm onto his leg.

“Of course. I just wish I wasn’t putting her through this.” Matt answered.

“Oh, kid, there’s much worse in store for both of you.” Paul shook his head slowly. “You’ll need her.”

“I already need her.” Matt breathed. “She is my cornerstone.”

“Let’s not cross over into sap land, yeah?” Paul asked. “I’m going to go find Alex. I’ll be back soon.”

Just like that, he was alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -gasp- an UPDATE?
> 
> This was hard to write just cuz my sense of direction got all befuddled and I didn't know if where I wanted to go with the story was really where I want to go and it was cray. But here you go?


	13. Anthony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Coping mechanisms don’t last forever.” Tony pointed out.
> 
> “Neither do lives.” Alex replied coldly.

**156 days, 15 hours, 46 minutes**

It became a waiting game. He sat on the hospital bed and bided his time, counting the tiles on the ceiling and then squinting across the room to see a painting on the wall and attempting to count the number of petals on the flowers it displayed.

The door opened again (he was going to need to get a more interesting door, considering the amount of time he spent waiting for it to open), and suddenly Alex was back, Paul and yet another stranger trailing behind her.

“Do I know that one?” He asked, gesturing towards the unfamiliar man.

“You met him when you met me.” Paul supplied helpfully. “This is Tony.”

Matt chewed on his lip Tony, Tony; where had he heard that name…?

“Right.” He finally responded, blinking to clear his foggy mind and still unable to figure out where he had heard that name. “I’m Matt.” He added unhelpfully. It was easy to forget that the not-remembering was a one way street.

“Nice to meet you.” Tony answered anyways. Matt found himself warming to the other man immediately.

“You, too.” Matt replied absently, searching Alex’s face for any indication of her emotions. When Paul had left an hour ago he said she had been crying in the lobby, but her eyes didn’t have the red-rimmed quality of someone who had recently been tearful.

“We went to go get Tony from the airport.” Alex explained, face still painfully neutral. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you.”

“Eh, I wasn’t much for conversation when you were gone anyways.” He lied. He was still perfectly capable of conversation, still hanging in the nebulous in-between of being told he had cancer and realizing _he had cancer_. He could feel his mind inching towards the latter state, but couldn’t bring himself to care. He was going to break, that wasn’t the question – he just wanted to know _when_.

“You’re never much for conversation.” Alex informed him. “Not serious conversation, anyways.”

“Ah, so we’re going to have a talk.” Matt nodded knowingly. “I already know about the birds and the bees, you know.”

Tony and Paul spluttered, taken aback by his forwardness.

“I’m not sure you do.” Alex replied dryly.

“Whatever you say, Alex.” Matt shrugged. “Not like I know better anyways.”

He could see Tony and Paul tensing, shifting from foot to foot at the introduction of the passive-aggressive comment.

“Why do you have to be like this?” Alex asked, exasperated.

“Like what?” He inquired.

“Like – you.” She sighed.

“Okay.” He accepted the answer and saw as both of the other men in the room relaxed, appeased by the ending of the short argument.

“What time is it?” Matt asked after a period of awkward silence.

“Six.” Paul answered after glancing at his watch.

“A.M. or P.M.?” Matt queried.

“P.M.” Paul returned the answer quickly.

“You all should be getting out to dinner then, no?” Matt raised an eyebrow.

“I ate on the plane.” Tony deflected quickly, the lie obvious on his voice.

“Not hungry.” Alex mumbled, not even bothering to cover up her fib.

“I’ll go get something for us.” Paul rolled his eyes at his two companions, nodding to Matt before exiting the room.

“You’ve said his name before.” Matt accused once Paul had left. “And I can’t remember why.”

Alex frowned. “It was just earlier today.”

“I’m sorry.” He tried to keep his voice from trembling, but the quiver was obvious.

“You don’t need to be upset about it.” Alex hushed him softly, glancing nervously at Tony before letting go of her carefully moderated mask and slipping her hand into his, squeezing his fingers firmly, brushing a kiss across his knuckles.

Tony watched the interaction silently, blinking once but doing nothing else.

“Is this how it’s going to go?” Matt whispered, afraid. “Will I just forget?”

“You don’t know that, Matt.” She comforted him, voice low. “You’re still on an awful lot of medication, and they’re going to want to wean you off of those before you begin chemo.”

“But I don’t have that much time to get rid of it, do I?” Matt could feel his lip beginning to bleed, but couldn’t bring himself to stop from digging his teeth into it. “The doctor said six weeks if I don’t do anything.”

“Six weeks are better than no weeks.” Tony interjected softly.

“As great as that is, six weeks still shouldn’t be the rest of his life.” Alex argued.

“I never said that.” Tony was awfully good at being calm around her, Matt noticed. He could see why they were friends – they were opposites, but in the best way.

He felt oddly like a third wheel, even though he was the one in a relationship with Alex.

“I wouldn’t mind.” Matt added his dim voice into the fray. Alex froze, and her entire body seemed to be made of stone.

“What do you mean, you wouldn’t mind?” She finally choked out.

“Six weeks are better than no weeks.” He echoed Tony’s previous words. “Six weeks are enough weeks to meet my family, to know my friends again, to share a thousand kisses…They’re enough to do an awful lot.”

“They’re also enough weeks to realize there’s more to life than what you’ve already lived.” Alex rebutted.

“Alex, you’re blending again.” Tony chided gently.

“What do you mean, blending?” Matt looked at Tony questioningly.

“She’s trying to pull Elizabeth out of her and make Mark out of you. It’s a coping mechanism actors use a lot, actually. Much easier to pretend you’re not in a position of weakness. And, in a story like this, it’s easier to accept the ending if you were already expecting it, or if you’ve already lived it.” Tony answered. “It’s why a lot of actors who play roles opposite to each other end up having flings for a while – they’re sick of being alone so they transfer their characters’ feelings, graph them onto their own, and for a while are able to convince themselves they love each other.”

“Nice job at a thinly veiled threat there, Tony.” Alex snapped.

“He doesn’t remember playing the Doctor, and you were besotted for him for two years. I never meant to insinuate that your relationship was a result of blending.” Tony soothed.

“Transference.” Alex corrected smoothly. “It’s called transference.”

“Blending, transference, same thing. You’re still doing it.” Tony shrugged.

“Coping mechanism. You said it yourself.” Alex said stiffly.

“Coping mechanisms don’t last forever.” Tony pointed out.

“Neither do lives.” Alex replied coldly.

“As much as I am enjoying this argument, may I suggest that we move onto something, like, say, the weather?”

“Warm.” Tony commented idly.

“It’s never warm in Britain.” Matt furrowed his eyebrows. An American, finding Britain warm? Preposterous.

Alex winced.

“We’re not in Britain, are we?” He whispered.

Alex shook her head.

“Ben and David flew across an ocean to see me. And Laura.” Matt stated numbly.

Alex nodded.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” He bit out the words, surprised by the bitterness in his chest.

“Eventually.” Alex’s voice was weak.

“No one told me that I’m not home.” He felt oddly empty inside.

“Matt, I’m sorry.” Alex sighed.

“I guess I don’t have any choice but to accept your apology.” He replied.

“I love you very much.” She murmured, kissing the top of his head softly as tears began to pool in his eyes.

This time it was his turn not to reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! I realize now that forcing myself to write 5 chapters a week burned me out pretty quickly, so I'm aiming more towards 3 each week. Hope you enjoyed.


	14. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt paused, chewing on his lip. “Remember, in ER, when Dr. Greene got headaches?” He asked. “The headaches he thought were from hockey?”
> 
> Maura nodded slowly.
> 
> “It’s…it’s that kind of headache.” He whispered.

**154 days, 23 hours, 1 minute**

It was early in the morning but he hadn’t slept a wink. It was so very strange now, knowing he was in L.A. (Alex had told him in a meek voice after their row), and not in his home country. It was even stranger that people had flown across an ocean just to have him snap at them.

He took out his phone, wincing at his preposterous passcode. He didn’t feel besotted any more. Numb, really. Numb from the reality of his situation, which had come crashing down over him the previous night. He could still feel the tears on his cheeks, the tightness of the skin due to the salt and the water. He felt better, though. The cry had been cathartic, and though it didn’t fix the situation with Alex, he, at least, was coping with the cancer. Probably better than she was, though he would never say that to her.

He tapped out a simple message to David, feeling odd about it.

 _We’re an ocean away?_ It was more confirmation than he really wanted, but he needed it to be true. He could almost see the older man, wincing as he read the message, probably over lunch.

 _Yes._ The word was simple, and he wondered if it pained David, the way it pained him, that they had an ocean between them.

 _You flew across an ocean to see me_. It was easier to state these sorts of things in text messages. When there was empty air between them, it felt awkward. When there was silence now, he knew it was filled with the tapping of keys at the other end.

 _Yes_. He winced.

 _We’re good friends, then_. He figured that flying across an ocean would merit more than just acquaintances. He’d need to text Ben later, then, to clear up the exact status of their relationship.

 _Yes._ He wondered if David was capable of typing anything other than the word yes, or if the other Doctor was just as surprised by the reality of the situation as he was.

 _I’m sorry._ It was an awkward transition to make, but it felt like the right thing to say. I’m sorry you came across an ocean to see me, I’m sorry I disappointed you.

 _Why?_ He couldn’t exactly say all of those things to David, because then the Scot would just insist that there was nothing to be sorry for.

 _It must’ve been a trouble to leave your family to come see me._ He settled for something that was more general, and thus easier to say.

 _It’s alright._ The answer was the same anyways.

 _Did Alex tell you?_ He changed the subject abruptly once again. As far as he knew, Alex _hadn’t_ told anyone. That would mean that less than ten people in the entire, vast world of seven billion knew about it – theit he didn’t really want to talk about.

 _Tell me what?_ David responded. Now they were on slightly more comfortable ground. Factual ground.

 _About my affliction._ He decided to remain noncommittal, just in case he decided to back out at the last second.

 _Your concussion?_ David’s inquiry made his mouth go dry. He didn’t want to be the one to break it to David – his friend, David. David, who had crossed an ocean for him. The thought that anyone would do that, and _for him_ , made him very scared. He also felt oddly warm inside. He had friends who would do that for him. Friends who would stay with him, he hoped, when his life was drawing to an end and he wanted someone’s hand to hold.

If Alex decided it was not going to work, he would have someone there to pick him up and brush him off. The thought filled the emptiness in his chest. He needed to know that, especially considering the argument they had. If it became Matt-the-cancer-patient and Alex-his-caretaker, and it would be better for both of them to break it off, someone would be waiting for his phone call, an ocean away.

An ocean away.

An ocean, but only a few taps of the keyboard, away.

 _No, not exactly._ His fingers trembled as he typed out a reply, swallowing back the dryness in his throat. He needed to get it out, get it done with. He had taken too long dwelling in his own thoughts, and prayed David wouldn’t be mad for his delayed response.

 _What, then?_ Oh God, could he really do it? Could he really say the word on the tip of his tongue, on pads of his fingers?

 _Cancer_. Apparently he could, because the word was whizzing through air, making pit stops at phone towers across the country, and then soaring over the ocean to be buzzed into David’s phone, a permanent reminder of what was happening.

David never responded to the text, and Matt sighed. He was alone in more ways than one, and he felt empty again. The hot happiness that had welled in him after realizing the amount of friends he had was leaking away, spurred on by the lack of response.

He stared at the screen for what must’ve been a half an hour. He wished desperately for it to be a mistake, for David to have forgotten to press the send button or for him to just be too overwhelmed by emotion to form coherent thoughts.

Matt, for one, was overwhelmed. Everything in him was battling – you love her, you do not, you have friends, you do not, you can keep on living, you will not. He was a living, breathing contradiction.

“Matt?”

He was so startled by the voice he actually jumped.

“Person I don’t know…?” He half-said, half-asked.

“Right. You don’t remember me.” She gave him a small smile. “Why are you up so early?” She asked, not bothering to give her name.

“Never went to bed.” He mumbled.

“You really should sleep.” She said.

“Not tired.” He lied.

“Oh, Matt. Poor, defenseless little Matt.” The woman chuckled.

“You’re...who, exactly?” He asked, eyebrows furrowing for what felt like the millionth time in the past few weeks.

“A friend of Alex’s.” The woman deflected the question blithely.

“Honestly, how many of those does she have?” He sighed.

“Quite a few, actually.” The woman wandered closer to his bed.

“Is this where you threaten to kill me if I break her heart?” Matt said dryly. “Because Tony and Paul already threatened to do that. Several times each, in fact.”

“Tony and Paul were here?” The woman asked.

Matt nodded.

“Little bastards never even told me.” She grumbled.

“Maura?” Another woman popped her head through the door. “Are you almost ready to go?”

“Give me a minute more to interrogate him.” The woman, Maura, replied.

A pain stabbed through Matt’s skull. Now that he realized where exactly the tumor was, he could feel the pain radiating from that spot. It was far from comfortable, and he closed his eyes against its harshness.

“You alright?” Maura asked.

“Yeah. Headache.” He explained.

“Thought those were supposed to stop a few days after a concussion.” She stated idly.

Matt paused, chewing on his lip. “Remember, in _ER_ , when Dr. Greene got headaches?” He asked. “The headaches he thought were from hockey?”

Maura nodded slowly.

“It’s…it’s that kind of headache.” He whispered.

“Oh.” Realization dawned in Maura’s eyes, and the corners of her mouth turned down. “Wow.” She took a breath. “That sucks.”

Matt cocked his head and gave a half-shrug. “I guess it’s better that I hit my head, and that they found it.”

“Still sucks.” Maura bit her lip in a way that was very reminiscent of Alex. He winced at the thought of Alex, and a further pain in his head.

“Maura!” The voice was sing-song from outside the room.

“One minute, Parminder!” Maura sang back.

“Are there any further former _ER_ cast members I should be worried about?” He asked as Maura turned to go.

“Goran, Laura, George, Noah, Sherry, Eriq…” Maura began ticking names off on her fingers.

“You do realize those mean nothing to me?” Matt yawned.

“You are tired!” Maura exclaimed, triumphant.

“Whatever.” Matt rolled his eyes.

“Goran Visnjic, Laura Innes, George Clooney, Noah Wyle, Sherry Stringfield, Eriq la Salle…” Maura repeated the names, this time with surnames attached.

“They still mean nothing to me. I don’t remember anything.” Matt ran his hands through his hair.

“Just – she is well loved. Don’t let her hurt.” Maura blinked, then turned, once again, to leave.

“Won’t have much time to do that.” Matt threw the comment towards her retreating figure and rubbed the back of his head idly, wishing away the pain.

“How…how much time?” Maura stuttered out, back still to him.

“Six weeks if I don’t start chemo. Six months if I do.” He said, trying not to let the heaviness of his words weigh his voice down.

“Good luck.” Maura murmured.

“Thanks.” He replied.

At six in the morning with the smell of Maura’s perfume still clinging to the air, he finally went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this disappointed - to be honest I'm half-asleep. Dancing in The Nutcracker does that to you. Happy Saturday and happy reading! :)


	15. You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is this what we’re going to be?” Alex repeated his question, voice biting. “You and me, fighting between episodes of tears?”

**154 days, 16 hours, 24 minutes**

He woke up to the sound of a door slamming.

“Matthew Robert Smith, care to _explain_ this?” Alex’s voice was crawling upwards in pitch and sounded more than a bit angry. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and sat up, pausing and closing his eyes as the world span and he felt very, very sick. He took a few deep breaths through his nose, and his stomach calmed down enough that he could open his eyes without vomiting.

“Are you alright?” Alex asked, softness suddenly permeating her voice and the way she moved, approaching him at more of a cautious walk than an angry stomp.

“Yeah, just – headache. I thought it’d go away.” He shut his eyes again, deciding that the lights were once again much too bright. He much preferred the stabbing headaches of his earlier days in the hospital to the dull ache that throbbed through the base of his skull and down his spine now. “Did you want something?” He asked, eyes still closed. Never mind the fact that she had disappeared for the two days after her argument or that he had received more visitors that were friends of hers than his – she had sounded very angry about whatever it was that he had done.

“When did Maura come here?” Alex asked, voice sharp once again.

“This morning.” He replied. The headache appeared to have spread around to the rest of his head, squeezing his brain like a vice.

“She said that you mentioned Dr. Greene getting headaches.” Alex accused.

“That would be true.” He confirmed.

“Matt – when’d you get your memory back?” She seemed hopelessly confused, and he was confused, too. He _didn’t_ have his memory back. He couldn’t remember his mum’s face, or what his dog looked like, or the set of _Doctor Who_ , or anything to do with anyone.

“I haven’t.” He was trying to keep his own voice quiet and calm as encouragement for her, because his head felt awful. He would need to ask one of the nurses for some paracetamol.

“I never told you what Mark’s surname was – or that he got headaches.” He could practically see Alex’s frown.

“I don’t know, Alex.” He exhaled a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. _God, his head_ –

His world went black.

He didn’t know how long he was out before he managed to take a breath of air. Even then, his world was hazy – he could hear a voice, calling his name, scared.

He was plunged back downwards again by a force he couldn’t control or fight. He gasped before going under, his lungs feeling tight. He couldn’t breathe properly, he didn’t feel good –

Black, again.

Coming back again hurt in a way he didn’t expect. It was slow and arduous, one sense at a time. First the smell. The scent of what might have been vomit, but also perfume, hit his nose, and he coughed. When he did cough, his tongue began protesting the taste of plastic. Not soon after his throat complained of an ache, and his muscles felt stiff and sore. At least the pain in his head was gone, he thought.

Words began to stream into his mind after a few minutes of blackness and silence, and he relaxed his muscles in relief. He didn’t realize how scared he was of blindness and deafness until it was no longer a reality.

“Matt, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand.” A cold, unfamiliar hand took his own, and he squeezed it gently.

“Alright, dear, there’s a tube we put in your throat after you lost consciousness because you weren’t getting enough oxygen. We’re going to take it out now. I’m going to count to three and then you have to cough as hard as you can.” The orders were simple enough to follow and when the third number was called he coughed hard. The force of the cough sent him into a sitting position, and his eyes slipped into focus as he continued coughing, unable to stop.

He gagged, and before he knew it there was an emesis basin in front of him. Bile burned the back of his throat and he must’ve vomited three times before his stomach finally settled. A spoonful of ice chips was pressed against his lips, and he parted them gratefully, the coolness soothing the hot trail the vomit had left behind.

“Alex?” He croaked.

“She’s out in the hallway.” The doctor who had removed his tube answered kindly. “She wasn’t allowed in because she wasn’t technically family. Protocol.” She added. “Would you like her to come in?”

Matt nodded. A nurse adjusted the IV that was stuck in his opposite arm. He was back to square one as far as medications went, it seemed. There were at least three bags of fluid hooked up to the one IV, and he was absolutely sure that there was only purple IV fluid in the movies.

His disgruntlement was halted when Alex came flying in, her face bright red and streaked with tears.

She pressed her mouth against his before he could stop her, and though he was certain _his_ mouth tasted horrible, he relented to her tongue and her teeth and her lips. He relaxed somewhat when her grip on his face weakened, no longer fearful and bruising.

“Probably should have warned you that I threw up several times before you kissed me.” He quipped softly.

“I honestly couldn’t give a single damn.” She whispered. “That was quite possibly the scariest experience in my life, and I was married to Lord Voldemort.”

“He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.” Matt corrected her with a chuckle.

“You did it again.” She furrowed her eyebrows.

“What?” He copied the gesture.

“Made an allusion to something that you shouldn’t remember. I had to teach you the color red, but you can remember Harry Potter?” She seemed distressed by the fact.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized meekly.

“Don’t be sorry.” She kissed him lightly on the lips once again. “I’m so glad you’re alright.” She paused, and a tear slipped out of her eye. “You _scared_ me, Matt.” She admitted, a sob catching in her throat.

He didn’t think before he pulled her down into the bed beside him, pressing his lips to her temple in hopes of calming her before turning his head to face her. “I’m fine. I promise.”

“You’re really not, though.” She sighed, burying her head in his shoulder.

“Is this what we’re going to be?” Matt asked. “A terrifying downward spiral?”

“I don’t know.”

“You wouldn’t have ever told me you loved me if I wasn’t sick.” It sounded like more of an accusation than anything, but he didn’t care.

“Is this what we’re going to be?” Alex repeated his question, voice biting. “You and me, fighting between episodes of tears?”

“I don’t know.” He echoed her previous answer.

Alex heaved a sigh, and despite the anger she obviously had towards him, she didn’t move from his side. Instead she yawned, and together they drifted off into sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I guess I should say sorry for not updating in like literally forever? I have to say, the need to update never really struck me, and I'm really sorry, I hope that this pitiful chapter is at least a bit of a condolence.


	16. Brilliant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, that’s brilliant.” Goran muttered.
> 
> “Yeah. Real brilliant.” Matt agreed.

**154 days, 6 hours, 24 minutes**

 

People always seemed to be barging into his room just when he was about to sleep. _People_ mostly included Alex’s friends. He certainly hoped that these people were Alex’s friends and not psychos that the hospital had allowed up into his room.

“It’s half gone midnight. What the hell are you doing here?” As hard as he tried, he couldn’t get the words to sound angry. Tired, definitely, and maybe annoyed, if you were being generous. Angry, though? He was already angry enough with his lack of memory and the thing inside of his own head – being angry at anything else was excessive, unhealthy, and _draining_.

“We have no concept of time.” A blonde woman hit him with a stunning smile, but he couldn’t bring himself to smile back.

“Can we also, you know, do the name thing?” Matt sighed, rubbing his temples. “Because I’m assuming you know who I am, but I’m in a bit of a sorry state at the moment and as much as I enjoy talking to you all, ‘hey you’ isn’t really going to work when there’s –” he paused, counting, “ – six of you. Jesus Christ, do you guys _plan_ these sorts of things?”

“Word travels fast.” A tall, intimidating man with a thick accent spoke up, crossing his arms over his chest and fixed Matt with a pointed glare.

“If you’re not going to tell me your names, then could we at least review what I’ve buggered up this time? Because it’s getting a little hard to keep track.” He tried to find a familiar face in the small crowd, but had no luck, which was just brilliant. One new person he could handle, even two – but six? At once? Even the thought exhausted him.

“Alex left here approximately six hours ago.” The blonde woman informed him. “And, according to a source, has not done anything but sit and stare at her wall.”

“How much do you all know?” Matt back-tracked. “About this?” He gestured vaguely towards his head.

“You have a concussion.” The man with an accent said.

“You’ve lost all your memories.” Another man added, straightening his tie.

“And apparently something happened today that upset Alex greatly.” The blonde woman finished.

“You’re missing a bit of the story.” Matt said. “I’m surprised that Tony or Paul or Maura didn’t tell you.”

“Maura what?” _Speak of the devil and she will come_. Matt thought wryly to himself.

“Your friends are unaware of my current head problem.” Matt informed Maura. “And I am currently unaware of their names.” He added on.

“Children.” Maura scolded. “Mind your manners and introduce yourselves.”

The blonde woman looked properly chastised. “I’m Sherry Stringfield. We’ve met once before.”

“Goran.” The man with the accent said, voice sharp and clear as he enunciated the syllables of his name.

“I’m Eriq with a q, and this nut is Erik with a k.” A man who hadn’t spoken before raised his hand to get Matt’s attention and cuffed another, shorter man on the ear.

“I’m Noah.”  The man in the tie said.

“And I’m Linda.” A short woman who had been hiding behind Noah peeked her head out, waving.

“Good.” Maura said once they had finished their introductions. “Matt, would you like to tell them?”

“You can.” He responded glumly. “I’m rather done with the whole telling people thing. It loses its shine after the first time. Actually, it never really had a shine.”

“That’s rather ominous.” Erik said, lifting his eyebrows.

“Well, Alex is upset because…” Maura paused, taking a deep breath. “This really is hard to say, isn’t it?”

“You kind of have to do it all at once. Like a band aid.” Matt advised.

“Alex is upset because…” Maura began again. “That isn’t helping.”

“What do you mean you have cancer?” David breezed through the door, Scottish accent swelling to fill the entire room before he realized that the area was near-packed with bodies.

“Well, uh…” Matt started, searching for support in Maura.

“That’s why Alex is sad.” Maura said lamely.

“Hi, David.” Matt added belatedly.

“I took a plane over as soon as you sent the text. _What_ is going on?” David’s accent became thicker as he continued through his sentence, obviously distressed.

“Hell if I know.” Matt answered, throwing his hands up. “I don’t really know anything anymore.”

“Nine people in this room and not a single one knows what’s going on?” Sherry asked, exasperated.

“I’m not sure anyone does.” Linda said soothingly.

“Alex does.” Matt bit out the words. “Or at least she does a damn fine job of pretending.”

“Knowing Alex, probably a bit of both.” Goran mused.

“So – how are we going to fix this?” Eriq asked, suddenly all business.

“It doesn’t get fixed.” Matt said bitterly. “Six months at best and I’m kaput.”

“Well, that’s brilliant.” Goran muttered.

“Yeah. Real brilliant.” Matt agreed.

“I’m trying to find a way to say something that will make it all better, but to be honest, I’ve got nothing.” David whispered.

“Sometimes not even The Doctor can fix people.” Matt murmured in reply.

“The only thing we can do now is make sure it doesn’t hurt her too much.” Linda said softly.

“She’s more than capable of making that decision herself.” David argued. “And as much as we think we may have her best interested at heart, isn’t a bit strange that we – you – all need to have a _meeting_ about it? Let alone in the hospital room of someone who doesn’t remember ever meeting you, if you ever were acquaintances in the first place?”

Matt found himself nodding along to the Scot’s speech. It did seem a bit odd to him, but then again, everything did.

“Our job isn’t just to protect Alex.” Maura added softly. “Our job is to help Matt, too.” She paused. “I never really told you, Matt, but we were friends.” She gave him a sad smile and he had to wonder exactly how good of friends they were when she looked at him so sadly. He’d have to ask Alex, when (if?) she came back.

Maura’s colleagues apparently found her mini-speech, or perhaps her melancholy smile, inspiring, because they bobbed their heads in unison.

“We should go.” Goran said after a beat of pause. “And let you sleep.”

“We’ll come around again in the morning, if that’s alright with you?” Sherry added meekly.

Matt nodded.

“Take good care of him, David.” Maura cautioned before leading the band of former ER cast members out the door and back into the Los Angeles night.

“Oh, mate.” David sighed. “I have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“Neither have I.” Matt repeated his earlier sentiment.

It would be nice if he knew how to fathom everything that was swirling around him, but just as before, when things got confusing, he decided to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still less than ideal writing for me, but I figured it was best to write through the kinks so I could get all of this dreaded writer's block away and hopefully start actually progressing the story. As always, your comments are appreciated. :)
> 
> *THIS IS BEING PUT ON HIATUS FOR THE TIME BEING. I WILL ATTEMPT TO RESUME AT A LATER DATE*


End file.
